I’m Tired

For the last few weeks (months), I’ve been excessively tired.  The doctor ran blood work.  All is fine.  The tiredness has been stressing me, but then, I started a list of all the reasons that might be contributing to my tiredness.  Exercise aside (I really should have a cardio routine in place), my husband’s disease (Frontotemporal Dementia) is sucking the life right out of me and the tiredness makes complete sense.

My list…

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of worrying what my husband is doing when I’m not looking.

I’m tired of doing the dishes (a chore my husband used to gladly do after dinner).

I’m  tired of parenting the kids by myself.  He just can’t any more.

I’m tired of being told how to parent the kids.  He can still do this.

I’m tired of being told how to drive the car.  He can still do this as well.

I’m tired of being the only one that can fill out permission slips and paperwork for our kids.  I’ve eliminated my husband from the contact info for the kids, because he sends inappropriate emails and worries excessively about upcoming events.

I’m tired of explaining where the closest Home Depot is even though it’s been in the same location for the last 15 yrs we’ve lived here.

I’m tired of people telling me what my husband is doing expecting me to somehow fix or change his behaviors.  I can’t.  He just gets angry at me.  He does not understand his behaviors are socially inappropriate.

I’m tired of my neighbor being rude to my husband.  Do I confront her or just hope it goes away?  She knows his situation.  Human decency must escape her.

I’m tired of sleeping on the couch because my husband’s behaviors are more aggressive and inappropriate when aroused in the middle of the night.

I’m tired of missing my friends.  I no longer have the energy to put into the friendships that I once did.  Friendships take effort.

I’m tired of being the only driver of the kids and my husband. It’s tough juggling rides during work and after to meet all their needs in terms of appointments, sporting events, meal planning, and social lives.

I’m tired of worrying that family will not be able or willing to step up when the time comes for extra help.  We have to pull together even when it’s hard.

I’m tired of the social anxiety I feel every time I’m with my husband in public.

I’m tired of trying to make things right for my kids because their dad is embarrassing them.  I’m constantly in the middle.

I’m tired of being asked, “Where are you going?” or “Where have you been?” or “Where are you?” every time I leave the house even to take out the trash.

I’m tired of the bathroom door being knocked on multiple times even for a short visit. It is not funny.

I’m tired of being followed around the house.  It is small enough as it is.  I need quiet, alone time, occasionally.

I’m tired of finding the Yeti cup, Fry Daddy, or Pampered Chef stoneware run through the dishwasher despite multiple requests not to do so.

I’m tired of answering questions like “Whose is this?” or “What is this?” or “Where does this need to go?”  This happens for every item my husband puts his hands on.

I’m tired of my kids’ friends saying that I’m not a good parent.  They have no idea the pressure and stress on me.  Yet, these comments cut to to the core.

I’m tired of the guilt for not being kinder to my husband.  There are days that my patience is not enough for this disease.

I’m tired of worrying that my kids may have this disease.  Every day I analyze their behaviors wondering if I see a symptom.  It’s paralyzing.

I’m tired of imagining what people are saying about our family.  Yes – they seem to be doing ok.   No – I think they are falling apart.  Which is it?  Does it depend on the day?

I’m tired of trying to put male role models in place for my kids.  Is it fair to ask that of anyone?  Yet, can they please tell my kids to stop being a jerk to their dad and a pain to their siblings and mom.

I’m tired of carrying the emotional grief for my husband and me.  He no longer has the capacity to feel.  I grieve for both of us.

I’m tired of asking favors of friends.  A “no” always  hurts.  A “yes” creates guilt and concern of how the favor can be returned.  It’s a a no-win situation. Yet, I cannot do this without help and support.

I’m tired of worrying about what my husband is hiding from me.  Is it intentional or is he just forgetful?

I’m tired of the obsessions over doors being locked and lights being off.

I’m tired.

Y’all, I’m just tired.